Diary of an Insane Fangirl

Night's Children by ~Cold-Temptation on deviantART

I've outdone myself with this one, guys. One of my best yet, I sincerely hope you enjoy

 

I can't stand it when I sit back

And think of all the times

I dread lyin' down

So I sit here and think of rhymes

There's a hole in my head

And there's a leak in my brain

With every single second

I feel myself goin' insane

I'm a masterpiece

A disasterpiece

Everything's a game

No matter what I do

It all just turns out the same

I know I'm still young

But the world is on my shoulders

I want to set it all ablaze

But it all keeps gettin' colder

It's like I'm slippin' while I'm walkin'

As I'm goin' nowhere

Like I got a gun to my head

For that Russian Roulette dare

I can't stand to see it like this

I'm always lookin' back

I'm starin' over my shoulder

Wondering if I fell off the track

I need to get my head straight

And sweep all this bullshit away

I need to stop livin' this nightmare

And wake up to a new a day

Because I'm still asleep

I'm not awake

My eyes are closed and I am blind

My mind is shut my ears are deaf

Will I wake up in time?

So will I die before I wake?

To Shangri-La my soul to take?

Or will I wake before I die

And see the evil snake tongue fly?

But I'll never wake

I'm locked in dream

Indulging glorious fantasy

There's only I inside the mind

And only voices speak to me

They call my name

I hear their sound

They take me to

The Underground

It's not a Hell

It's Paradise

Where no one has to pay a price

Where all are free

Where all are one

Your eyes are open

See the sun?

But once again it's just a dream

There is no sun, your eyes are closed

They'll never open

It's what you chose

So should you live in fantasy?

Or try your turn

At reality?

 

I don't ever want to wake up...

( Click Here For OC/Someone Goodies )

Soooo above would be the first chapter of my newest work in progress (I confess, there's WAY too many WIPs but, hell... it had to be done.) Sooo, couple nights ago, my friend who shall not be named (NOT A LPBH) and I were discussing Kuroshitsuji fanfictions and she was doing a Grell/OC work. So, I got the ker-azy idea to make sort of a companion story to hers, but with "Someone"/OC~ Brilliant, no? ... Yeah, no, it's not that brilliant... Read and comment o-o It depresses me there are no comments on.. like... anything >.>

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I'M BACK!!! Did you miss me? Was there an indefinite hole in your life in which only I could fill? Was your life just meaningless and black, a dark void filled with chaos and incessant screaming? Don't you hate that screaming? SHUT UP I'LL FEED YOU LATER PEOPLE TIED UP IN THE BASEMENT!!! Do I have to drag one of you out again? Do you remember what happened last time? You can not IMAGINE the things I can do with duct tape, a cheese log, a hacksaw, a hammer, nails, a frozen bag of peas, a tutu, a staple gun, and a squirrel! My psychosis is forever inbound and you do not want me to unleash it upon your unsespecting mouthhole!!! The Rice Crispies told me to do it. They talk to me. They tell me things. Once they explained to me the wonders of the toilet. That was a magical adventure. But I'd like to know how I ended up inside that camel. That was the strange part. Hook left, down the drain, past the Gumdrop Forest, through the Plain of Damnation, take that ride on the purple elephant, see the moon, blow it up, jump on a giraffe that had rockets pop out of its ass, end the NeverEnding War, swim in a pool of nacho cheese, eat a giant toast, roast Mutant Marshmallow People over a fire and laugh as they scream in agony, eat them and listen to them gargle becase I ate their vocal chords, and then turn my legs into spaceboots and then pop out into reality from a camel on the inside. And that really happened. I mean, it felt so REAL. What? Drugs? What drugs? I don't take drugs. Drugs are bad. I take no drugs. Not even the ones that the guys in the white coats said I should. I am not medicated. I still remember those days. They put me in a jacket and they stood me up straight and I couldn't move. I could only run around and bounce off those fun walls. Then I chewed myself out, gouged someone's eye out with a spoon, and then escaped. So much blood came out of him. I use blood as ketchup on my eggs and hotdogs. So salty. So sweet. So life-filling! Mmm... babies. I mean kittens. I mean... MUFFINS!!! TOAST!!! I LIKE TOAST!!! Bagels, not so much. Especially with raisins in them. I don't like raisins. Don't know why. They look like mouse turds. Strangely I want CoaCoa Puffs now. IT'S CHOCOLATELY!!! HOLY SWEET DEAR SATAN IN HELL IT'S CHOCOLATELY!!! SO MUCH CHOCOLATE!!! It will make me explode in a glorious fountain of blood and guts and rainbows and sparkles and CHEESE!!! Cheese is the most amazing thing ever created by man. ALMOST better than sex! And now I would know for I have comemerated my love for another in a night of passion and moaning and sweat. It was AMAZING!!! And now I'll get off that topic, that's none of your business. So why did I bring it up? Who's asking? Are you a cop?! YOU ARE!!! I KNEW IT, YOU'RE A FUCKING NARCOTICS AGENT!!! YOU'LL NEVER GET MY DRUGS!!! I mean, what drugs? I don't do drugs. Drugs are bad. Again. Um... UP UP AND AWAY!!! I SHALL FLY BACK HOME AND RAIN DOWN DEATH AND DOWN AND DESPAIR AND HOPELESSNESS AND A NEW JUSTIN BIEBER SINGLE UPON YOU ALL!!! NONE ARE SAFE!!! LOCK UP YOUR DAUGHTERS AND SHOOT YOUR SONS!!! I'M BAAAAAAAAAAACK!!! I love being insane. Until the next post, keep those bodies hidden, kids!

 

It's staring at me. A contest of wills. One that I can't possibly win.

 

Who blinks first. Or rather types. Something. Anything. The bigger the document, the blanker the page. A sea of white pixels taunting me with their emptiness and the urgency of the document whose deadline is approaching or more likely just past.

Yes, this particular deadline has passed. Days ago, I had agonized over this particular blank page, and had been defeated. However, this time... Wait. WAIT. This isn't blank! This isn't blank at all! There are letters! Letters, I say! Oh, blissful stupidity, realizing that by typing this, this so-called blank page is slowly but surely filling up with words, in a mad rush of chicken-pecking and indefinite typos that I'll clean up later. Break out the mead, people! Blank page, mocking page, you are no more.

Sadly, with an unorganized person such as myself, and (I admit, tearfully) sometimes quite lazy, not a whole lot gets done on time. Which is why I've been trying to make up for severely lost time. Hopefully, this story might soothe the foul tempers of administrators waiting impatiently, clucking ill-fated words, for my not-so-blank paper. Or screen. Be it print or pixel, the latter being much more common these days, leaving some of the Old Souled teenagers longing for parchment and quill-... Heheh, maybe that's going a bit too far back. This being a narrative, I'll be doing this in a style I'm most comfortable with.

Ready... set...

 

Running... Feet pounding against stone... Biting winds whip across the face, lashing angrily. Yes, definitely running. For what, though? From what? It's dark... but street lamps are bright. I don't know this place... I don't... but I do. What's going on? Yes, I recognize that alley... I shouldn't, though. Agh! Stupid loose concrete! I should've known not to trip there... Come on, stand back up, keep going. I don't care if my lungs are burning, if my legs are screaming at me, if all I want to do is scream. I don't know if I'm being chased or if I'm just running for the sake of running. But I hate running... This is too confusing. The street lamps are getting brighter... Too bright. You'd better not trip again, idiot! Just-

"Too bright..." I muttered foggily. "Come on, Leah. Get up. You're gonna be late for school." someone said. Yeah, okay, mom. I thought mutinously. I sighed, untangling myself from a mass of blankets. It's morning... and mom must have opened the curtains. I liked my room dark, and always had two or three blankets over me. That's what the brightness was, not street lamps... With that thought, I immediately grabbed a notebook laying by my bed, and started scribbling down what I remembered about my dream. It was so weird. I've never been running through the streets at God knows what hour like that... Shaking my head, I began wrestling with clothes that hated me, shrugging on a worn-out backpack, and heading out to the bus. November, and I was already sick of school.

Riding the big yellow beast, chattering mindlessly with the few friends I had, going back to the routine of a student, I'd forgotten all about the dream...

"Hey Ari." I heard someone say. "Hmm?" I turned. "What?" A blonde whose name I didn't know looked at me funny, and silently pointed to a redhead sitting a few rows away from me. I muttered a quick 'sorry' and lowered my head. I was pretty sure Leah was my name. Unless I was, y'know, having an identity crisis. Which I wasn't. So why did I automatically respond to that name? That reminded me of the notebook I'd written the dream in. I tugged it out of my bag and flipped through the pages.

Weird dream: I was running down a cold street. Saw all the street lamps. Tripped, but I had to keep running. What Does It Mean??

I gave the page a long stare, and finally clicked a mechanical pencil and started writing. That short description didn't seem to do it justice, you know. With a little tweaking, I was pretty satisfied. I reread and scribbled little details here and there, until light brown hair fell into my eyes. "What're you doing?" Malin asked curiously. She was standing behind me, peering over my head, scanning the page. I turned to meet her with a bland stare, and deadpanned. "Writing my Christmas list." We shared a quick laugh at my bad joke, and she picked the notebook, skimming through what I'd written.

"Hey, this is pretty good. This for Language Arts or something?" I shook my head. "Just a dream I had. Do you know what it means?" She mirrored my shake, but thought for a moment. "Sarah might, though." she suggested, naming another friend of ours. Sarah had a particular way with things like that, Tarot, dreams, and auras. Even though we weren't best friends, she and Malin would at least have my back.

After that class, we made our merry way to Math, where our resident spiritualist was waiting. After a few moments of peering at me and the half-paragraph, she'd asked me if I'd seen any of this before, or if I felt a strong connection. No, yes. Then I mentioned the name incident, and a smile creeped over her features. "So, right after you had this deja vu, you responded to a different name. Very cool. My mom had something like this happen to her. She said it was remembering a past life. We all have a lot of lives before this one, and a lot afterwards, too. You were just remembering one of them. Ari must have been your name in that life. Do you like it? Maybe if we start calling you Ari, you'd remember more."

I wasn't sure how I felt about that, so I declined. Still, for the rest of the day, even when I wasn't playing it over in my head, it was still there. The thought of reincarnation...? Even now, at the ancient age of fourteen, I'm not completely sure, but it's nice to think about...

"So... you want to change your name to Ari?" I nodded. "You don't want to be called Leah anymore?" I nodded. "Not a chance in hell. Go do your homework, Leah."

 

My struggle continues...

 

 

Choosing to believe in past lives, reincarnation, whatever you want to call it can be a very serious choice. If you're religious, you might choose to pass it off as delusions, as simple psychological nuances. There are also other very spiritual people, very adamant about these concepts. Whichever you choose to believe, just know this isn't fiction. It's what I believe. Thank you for reading, and leave comments on what you think~

Well, this year, instead of turkey, we had ramen~ The whole family wasn't here and we did not pay tribute to the great God of Turkeys, so that we might not be swarmed by thousands upon thousand of malicious foodbirds as revenge for slaughtering their clan at least a hundred years ago. While others had pumkin pie, we stayed in our basement, straining our ears for the sound of the war cry that would bring about the Turkey Apocalypse. You think zombies are bad? Just wait until you get a facefull of those little thingies male turkeys have hanging down from their beaks or whatever ._.' Thus far, as I make this report, we've stocked up on guns and flares, cell phones have bad reception this far below, but we'll make due. *loads shotgun* Dear Lord, I hope we live to see Christmas...

Time to stop being thankful and start demanding a new iPod!!!!

Yaaay, I have my computer back and things are going good. Now all I need is Christmas money and life would be amazing~ Kehehehe. My friends and I are avid cosplayers working on getting our costumes~ It will be Kuroshitsuji at first, then hopefully Pandora Hearts and other animes~ ^^ I'll be getting my Undertaker cosplay by Christmas, Meagan will be the allmighty Sebastian, and Cassandra Pennings my friend who shall not be named will either be Grell or Ciel (she flip flops in personality)
So, basically, all I've been doing since getting my computer is updating story files, getting some schoolwork done, talking with friends. Haven't done many new projects, unless you count Warmth, or even checked on my Listia auctions. T.T So far, I've lost out on a lot of jewelry... Oh well...
So my posts might be less frequent since I've still got a lot to work on, cleaning stuff up, schoolwork, making AMV's, getting things sorted out, plus I've still got a lot of books stuff to unpack~

So, since my sleep schedule is still fucked up, and I'm about ready to crash, I'll just post a bunch of random quotes... *ahem* Ready... set...

 

( Click here for teh coolioramensauce quotes. Find your favorite and tell me which it is )

This is a songfic for Buried Alive by Creature Feature~ It's been in my documents for... like... MONTHS. So, you're getting it with zero editing, in all it's glory shame. Enjoy, and please pardon my silly writing 'skillz'~

 

( In which confused writing ensues )

My favorite thing to do on a car ride, if I've brought my notebook or laptop, is to maybe write a bit. If not, I'd just brainstorm for later or forage for an apple~ :P Or go fiddling with the radio, switching the stations every five seconds and generally causing discord all around~ Usually, on the trips to Wisconsin with my friends, we chatter mindlessly about anime or voices in our heads~

( You are about to view content that may not be appropriate for minors. )